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Now 67, I am the same age as Ronnie Wood, whose marriage to Sally – a woman three decades younger – featured in the Telegraph yesterday. She has said she wishes she had met me 10 years earlier and wishes, also, that there might have been 10 years fewer difference between us.
Bryony Gordon’s affectionate profile made it look like a happy marriage with no illusions on the bride’s behalf. When she had perhaps drunk a glass of wine too many one evening some years ago, she did admit that she feared being a widow at 60; but it is also true that, before we married, she called me “the nicest boyfriend I have ever had” and, within living memory, she said that she wouldn’t swap me for Brad Pitt. And that is even without my having the obvious, overwhelming attractions of that shrivelled, wizened midget Ronnie Wood.
And he has offered it to many women, all young enough to be his daughters, since he separated from his wife of 24 years, Jo.
His crepey skin stretched across his thin, boney face, his sun-damaged hand reached for her slender knee, his turkey neck wobbled in anticipation of a night of passion. One can only imagine that when they did make love, Miss Humphreys laid back and thought of the Bank of England.And instead of a washboard stomach, they have washboard bottoms.Male buttocks over 50 are like dodos - they just don’t exist.While so much is written about what happens to women’s bodies when they hit 50 (their breasts and bottoms head south, their tummies never recover from having children, they have stretch marks, cellulite and sagging flesh), very little is said about what happens to men’s bodies at a similar age.Without going into too much detail in a family newspaper, let’s just say their wobbly bits droop as far and as fast as a mother-of-six’s breasts.If I’d amassed a share of the Rolling Stones pension pot, alleged to amount to £1bn, it might have been more obvious what my wife saw in me.As it is, however, the last 14 years have not only been the happiest of my life: they have also brought me a level of financial security I have never known – owing, in large part, to sharing my life for the first time with a wife with whom it is possible to talk and plan sensibly about money.Apparently, he recognised at the end of his life that he had lost out there.It was never difficult to work out why those girls were taking their clothes off for Felix; but, if it’s a mystery what my young wife sees in me or Sally Wood sees in Ron, how much more baffling is the attraction of Francois Hollande for a succession of fantastically beautiful, clever and talented women?He’s not only dyed his hair, he’s also dyed his eyebrows.But while this may knock off a few years when he’s dressed, when he revealed himself in all his wrinkly majesty, Ms Humphreys will have discovered that he’s not a natural brunette, if you catch my drift.